We woke up to a winter wonderland this morning, although it didn't really seem that wonderful. Just yesterday I had witnessed two male cardinals fighting over a female, and I thought for sure this meant spring was on the way. Oh, how quickly a gal can forget that she lives in Wisconsin.
Today was a much better day than the previous few, in many ways really. There were chiropractor appointments (Badger had his first adjustment today and loved it!), a quick dash to the grocery store that seemed fun because we haven't been anywhere in ages, and lots of good play times. The boys even spent a good hour outside building a snow fort and having a snowball fight. I was so glad for them to be able to get outside. Of course we were greeted with many coughs and a bit of wheezing upon returning indoors, but it was worth it.
The thing is, that even though we are getting better, we are still in this funk. You know, the kind that settles in every so sneakily. The kind that comes from not being purposeful in your interactions with one another, because you are too busy, or too sick, or too prideful. The kind that comes from not doing laundry for five days, not having cooked in forever, and no one really hungry anyway. And for us this time too, just the funk of not feeling safe in our house. Yeah. Funk. Now, see, in case you were not aware of the funk, you've been introduced. Hopefully at your house you live in a world of bliss, in the land of perfectness and funk does not know your address. He totally knows ours, as he is a frequent visitor of the uninvited sort.
The worst part about it for me, is that I can work all day at repairing the funk and be making some real headway towards shoving it out the front door, and it can fly right back in when J comes home. It's not that he is some kind of ogre. Just a normal man who has strengths and weaknesses like the rest of them. He feels the funk deeply, being a creature of habit like he is, and can unfortunately not have any time during his day at work to battle the Funk at all. So when he comes home it still has its claws sunk deep into him and he walks in with this heavy burden on his back looking to me for help. Afterall, I am his loving wife and helper, nothing could be more natural.
Yet, the wife doesn't always see it this way. (ahem) See, I've been battling Funk all day and was desperately tired almost to the point of despair, watching the clock counting down the minutes until my helper came home. I was misled by the Funk and had listened to it all day telling me that as soon as Papa comes home it will be better. He is stronger and will be able to give Funk the final shove out the door and all will be well, I thought.
So....that is how it went today...he came home late, we attempted to eat leftovers, and then he complained about the little pieces of garbage that were on the floor because the trash had not been taken out properly and I lost my temper and said mean things in a less than polite tone. The kids giggled at the supper table (which means it wasn't a bad fight) but still. He was really mad that I lost my temper, and rightly so from his perspective. And I did feel really justified when I was saying those mean things, but good grief I don't anymore. The point is, that I think he might've flushed my toothbrush. Not that I've known him to do that before. In fact he is always so calm, but that is why I think he would do it. LOL. All I know is that my toothbrush is wet, and I haven't used it since morning.
And all of this mess, somehow leaves me in awe of marriage, which I know is a very strange spot to end up on after all of that. Yet....what kind of relationship is it that can sustain a toothbrush flushing? I'm not even mad about it. And it's not because I don't know if he did it or not, I just really have come to the point that I can handle it with ease. The Funk comes with interacting with one another sometimes but it doesn't ever win. We are so much one unit now, that there is this incredible flexibility. Like somehow our union has made us more able to withstand outside pressure. We can bend in one direction like crazy but we don't snap. It's just amazing to me. And we are just ordinary people. It must be that marriage is just designed really well.