About Having Five

The little lady is at my feet, trying to figure out the latch to open my giant bin of yarn.  She is so determined and funny in her smallish way that she sometimes reminds me of a kitten.  She is so busy!  Her little fingers are always finding the tiniest piece of this or that on the floor and putting it in her mouth.  Her little legs are getting so strong.  She is pulling up on furniture and crawling over things and up things.  She has found the steps!  I have rescued her from certain death at least twenty times today and it's only 1:00.  I had no idea that becoming a mother would require me to develop so many skills!

In this few years I have also learned how to be a triage nurse (is it broken?  does it need stitches?  is it strep?).  I have learned how to feed an army for breakfast, lunch, and dinner every single day....and to do it with whole, organic food on a budget.  I have learned how to be a diplomat between nations (think brothers).  I have learned how to teach someone to read, do fractions, carve wood, start a fire,  to NOT start a fire, and to ride a bike.  And so many more things that I can't even list.

But more than that....what has shaped me more than that are all the things that having five has taught me about love.  Because for us, J and I, having five kids has made us take a good, hard look at us.  I think it has come to this, simply because there is so much work involved with raising a crew, that you have to be purposeful to survive.  Purposeful in how you spend your time.  Purposeful with your words, your actions.  Purposeful with who you are! 

And we are a team.  If I am purposeful about something, but he is not, then it is kind of pointless....maybe even harmful?  And if something is important to him, but not to me, what good is that?  So we've spent a lot of time these past two years figuring it out.  It's been crazy hard.  But he is so patient....and  I, so tenacious....and somehow it's just been so good despite how much work it is.

And are days are full.  These children blessings.  And we keep on laughing at how good it all is.

Time for a New Toothbrush

We woke up to a winter wonderland this morning, although it didn't really seem that wonderful.  Just yesterday I had witnessed two male cardinals fighting over a female, and I thought for sure this meant spring was on the way.  Oh, how quickly a gal can forget that she lives in Wisconsin.

Today was a much better day than the previous few, in many ways really.  There were chiropractor appointments (Badger had his first adjustment today and loved it!), a quick dash to the grocery store that seemed fun because we haven't been anywhere in ages, and lots of good play times.  The boys even spent a good hour outside building a snow fort and having a snowball fight.  I was so glad for them to be able to get outside.  Of course we were greeted with many coughs and a bit of wheezing upon returning indoors, but it was worth it.

The thing is, that even though we are getting better, we are still in this funk.  You know, the kind that settles in every so sneakily.  The kind that comes from not being purposeful in your interactions with one another, because you are too busy, or too sick, or too prideful.  The kind that comes from not doing laundry for five days, not having cooked in forever, and no one really hungry anyway.  And for us this time too, just the funk of not feeling safe in our house.  Yeah.  Funk.  Now, see, in case you were not aware of the funk, you've been introduced.  Hopefully at your house you live in a world of bliss, in the land of perfectness and funk does not know your address.  He totally knows ours, as he is a frequent visitor of the uninvited sort.

The worst part about it for me, is that I can work all day at repairing the funk and be making some real headway towards shoving it out the front door, and it can fly right back in when J comes home.  It's not that he is some kind of ogre.  Just a normal man who has strengths and weaknesses like the rest of them. He feels the funk deeply, being a creature of habit like he is, and can unfortunately not have any time during his day at work to battle the Funk at all.  So when he comes home it still has its claws sunk deep into him and he walks in with this heavy burden on his back looking to me for help.  Afterall, I am his loving wife and helper, nothing could be more natural.

Yet, the wife doesn't always see it this way.  (ahem)  See, I've been battling Funk all day and was desperately tired almost to the point of despair, watching the clock counting down the minutes until my helper came home.   I was misled by the Funk and had listened to it all day telling me that as soon as Papa comes home it will be better.  He is stronger and will be able to give Funk the final shove out the door and all will be well, I thought.

So....that is how it went today...he came home late, we attempted to eat leftovers, and then he complained about the little pieces of garbage that were on the floor because the trash had not been taken out properly and I lost my temper and said mean things in a less than polite tone.  The kids giggled at the supper table (which means it wasn't a bad fight) but still.  He was really mad that I lost my temper, and rightly so from his perspective.  And I did feel really justified when I was saying those mean things, but good grief I don't anymore.  The point is, that I think he might've flushed my toothbrush.  Not that I've known him to do that before.  In fact he is always so calm, but that is why I think he would do it. LOL.  All I know is that my toothbrush is wet, and I haven't used it since morning.

And all of this mess, somehow leaves me in awe of marriage, which I know is a very strange spot to end up on after all of that.  Yet....what kind of relationship is it that can sustain a toothbrush flushing?  I'm not even mad about it.  And it's not because I don't know if he did it or not, I just really have come to the point that I can handle it with ease.  The Funk comes with interacting with one another sometimes but it doesn't ever win.  We are so much one unit now, that there is this incredible flexibility.  Like somehow our union has made us more able to withstand outside pressure.  We can bend in one direction like crazy but we don't snap.  It's just amazing to me.  And we are just ordinary people.  It must be that marriage is just designed really well.

To J, On Your 35th Birthday

As I write this, our fourth son, the boy who is my little "you", is in my lap proudly saying "Mama! Papa!" as he looks at these pictures of us.  His hands, little miniatures of yours, pointing at the screen.  

Today as I rocked this little feverish man, holding him all day, I thought of you.  I thought of our beginning, and our "I do", and how far we have journeyed together.

 J & I our first year together

 At music school together

I thought about how crazy our coming together was.  Me yelling "I have a crush on you" across campus that moonlit night.  How the next time I saw you, you squeezed my hand.  How you picked me those little purple flowers that spring and I pressed them in my book of Tennyson, because I knew that I wanted to keep them forever.  

I was so young and foolish then.  A whirlwind that caught you up in the beauty of things.  And....you rooted me.  I felt planted when I was with you.  I still do.

 J in Venice (a few days before we were engaged)  

This trip was so surreal.  Touring, singing, and being so sick with colds.  Seeing all the beautiful things with you.  Feeling like we belonged in the world.  

Life with you has been so good.  Better than I could've imagined.  It isn't a whirlwind of romance anymore.  But it's so much more than that.  So much better than I even knew could be.  You have taught me what real love is and I'm so glad for your patient heart.   

Thank you for working so hard for our family.  For going to work every day for us.  Thank you for giving me these beautiful boys.  Thank you for loving them, and cultivating them with so much care.  Thank you for listening to me even when you're tired and for loving me even when I am a porcupine.

 I always am at my best when I'm at your side.

I love you.

Happy 35th Birthday.

xoxo,

reba

Learning at Home this Week

This week has been really good. We are in Week 4 of Homeschool Co-op, and the boys are loving it. The weather has been just lovely and we have been busy doing Autumnal things like raking and drinking cider and baking gingerbread. (more on that later...)

I was blessed by finding a set of science books that I had been wanting for the boys at a rummage sale! We started our first "science day" this week. We are studying light. Here the boys are discussing the properties of light and what kinds of light we see and use in our home.

We did a survey of each room of the house and checked for sources of light and where they came from...if they also were a heat source....and what color of light they were! It was really fun.
Then, in the middle of a very fine week....to make things even better...we received an unexpected package from a dear friend.....addressed to "the Dennis kids"! Eeeeek! How exciting! The boys ripped the package open to find.....four of these! No, not the boy...the apron!
Four Star Wars aprons (totally cool!) and a package of Star Wars cookie cutters! I laughed outright when I opened them! My friend that sent these is the best! She knew that nothing would make my heart warmer than to spend an afternoon in the kitchen with my little men baking. Since the aprons arrived they have helped to peel an entire half bushel of apples for dehydrating...made an apple pie....and today we made Star Wars Gingerbread. Seriously. :)

Don't worry. No babies were injured during the photo shoot. Hen is simply crying because he thinks he should get another cookie. No Hen, I think four is enough!
Can you see them? The cookie cutters were so well designed that they turned out quite well!

Here they are in the cookie jar. I have to say there is something quite satisfying about eating a Yoda sandwich cookie....and I don't think it's because of the buttercream frosting.

Other things of note include (but are not limited to...)

Cricket has learned to paint with acrylics. He has painted his wooden shield and sword and is becoming quite accomplished with a paintbrush.

Badger has acquired the newest Redwall Book from the library and is often found snuggled upstairs somewhere devouring it. He has also learned how to make pancakes, including flipping them on the griddle.

Owl has decided to become my little kitchen helper and has learned how to use the Kitchen Aid Mixer.

And little Hen. Little Hen is getting some molars. He's kinda grumpy. He's also incredibly sweet and still talking up a storm. I wonder when I'll get used to hearing my baby say just about anything. *sigh* He's growing up so fast!

And J & I. We are here. Present. In tune. Choosing. Choosing to live every day together in love....even when things are a little crazy with the house of boys...and the farm chores...and the dirty dishes. He makes me coffee in the morning and I hear "i love you." I see him across the breakfast table and I just feel blessed. Blessed that he has given me these children, this home, his time. His love. *sigh* Life is good. Very, very good.

40 years!

Wow. It's been a whirlwind of a weekend....and it isn't over yet!

My mom and dad are celebrating their 40th anniversary today! Happy day you two! I love you and I'm proud of you both. :)

In celebration of the day there was a huge party yesterday! Lots of relatives and old friends that I hadn't seen for a long while were there. It was soooo great to see them and have a chance to hear their voices and see their smiles.

The day was especially nice for me because my aunts were there. I love those ladies. I admire them and respect them. They have gone before me, loving their husbands, raising their children, keeping their homes and families together. And besides that their voices are familiar. There shapes, their movements are ingrained in me, because as a little child I watched them. I watched them cook at big family meals at Grandma's house. I watched them help out with the dishes and cleaning up, working together as a team. I watched them take care of my cousins and host birthday parties and Thanksgivings and I watched them interact with my mom. She was always right there in the middle of it all. Tending to babies, getting big meals on the table, cleaning it all up.

This is how I learned what I wanted to be like when I grew up. By watching them. I had notions of becoming an Opera singer, an Archeologist, a Dancer....but they were definitely just passing fancies. Some part of me always new I really, really wanted to be a mom.

I may not parent exactly like my aunts. In fact, I'm sure I don't. But it's still the same thing. Every mom that loves their child goes through the same emotions, the same struggles. The same giving and giving and then letting go. And here these ladies are (all 5 of them!) on the other side of it. Their kids are grown, their marriages still intact, and they are still vibrant and lovely!

It was encouraging to see them. It was comforting to see and eat the food they brought, some things that I hadn't had since I was a kid. Pickled beets! You know only a farmer's wife makes those! They were delicious by the way.

Anyway....we had a good time at the party. :) I asked the boys what their favorite part was and they said.....the CAKE! So here it is....my first attempt at a giant sheet cake.

And these little individual cheesecakes that I made. Aren't they cute?

Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad. We love you!

The Dream

I had the strangest dream last night. Several actually. One though that won't leave my mind today no matter how busy I am supposed to be. (we are getting ready to go to the big Anniversary Party at my mom and dad's this weekend) It's just such a crazy, meaningful, intense dream that I thought I'd share it with you all, in case it means anything to you too.

It starts out with a room full of people. Waiting people. Some are sitting in chairs up against the wall in this giant hallway and room. Some are sitting on the floor. Others are standing around in groups. A hushed murmur of talking can be heard. It seems like it must be a college or university. The dream goes in and out of the groups of people and you hear that what everyone is waiting for is to find out what part they are playing. Then I realized that I was actually there too. Waiting to hear what my part would be.

We had all tried out for a role in the opera at this prestigious university. There were hundreds of people there. Then suddenly this young, stylish, educated looking man comes into the waiting area and everyone gets really quiet. He comes right up to me, and asks me my name. I tell him and he looks for my name on this list. He finds it quickly.

"Yes. You have a part, " he says. My heart quivers with excitement. Any part is good you see. Really, really good because there are hundreds of other talented people here.

"You will be playing the Good Wife." My heart sinks, just a little, because that is far from the lead role. A little part even. And I guess I was hoping for something bigger.

He continues, "Yes, the Good Wife. Can you do that? Will you do it? Will you play the role of the Good Wife?" He says this as if he is really excited for me. Like he cares about me so much and he knows I will be perfect for the part.

"Yes. I will!" I say.

The man quickly moves on to the next person, and suddenly I become really aware that J is there too. Not with me there, but there. Somewhere. And we are not married yet, but had been dating and I was desperately in love with him. And I suddenly realize that I need to find out what part he got. So I follow the man passing out the roles. I push through the crowd trying to hear him. I can't get close enough to him to find out, but I overhear someone else speaking....and they're saying that J got the lead. He will be playing the part of Remi (where did that name come from?) who is the male lead. You know, the one all the women want to be with.

Now.....in the dream I remember being really excited for J, and also having this feeling of knowing the whole time that he would of course get that part. He is so talented and amazing. And there was a moment in the dream where I felt really left out, because I didn't get the female lead role. And then at that point.....I woke up.

And all morning I have been thinking and thinking about this dream. And wondering what on earth does it mean? Or does it mean anything at all?

And I think I've figured it out. A small, still voice whispered to my heart. And showed me that I was focusing on the wrong part of the dream. It wasn't about what part J got at all. That was just to remind me of how awesome I know he is. What I was supposed to realize was the part that I was supposed to play. Ah, yes.

The good wife. Can I do that? Will I?

See......things have been busy here. And we are not even busy with lots of activities. It's just the everday responsibilities of having four littles and a house and chickens and a dog. There is so much work to be done. And often my interaction with J can easily be about daily chores. That's just how it is. And this was a good reminder to me that my number one priority is being an awesome wife to my man! I do love him so much. He still takes my breath away, even though it's mostly over a cup of coffee at the table with a baby on his lap. I was his before I was a mother. And I want to honor that.

That's all.

-reba